


Freudian Slip

by Noelleian



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Bickering, Crack, F/F, Humor, Implied Relationships, M/M, Pilots In Denial, Who Are Afraid of Shrinks Apparently, cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 18:26:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8500444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noelleian/pseuds/Noelleian
Summary: Sally attempts a therapy session to convince the former Gundam pilots to open up about themselves. It goes better than expected.





	

**Author's Note:**

> All's I can say is, don't take this seriously. I blame my cold and fever. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own so don't sue, please. I'm just a pauper with a rhinovirus.

“Guys. Guys! If you’ll just take a seat in one of these chairs, we can get started,” Sally Po announced and gestured to the half dozen, plus one cheap aluminum and vinyl padded chairs arranged in a half circle in the center of the room. The six young men in attendance simultaneously cast wary glances toward said chairs and shuffled uneasily from their respective places. Places, Sally noticed, that were as far away from those chairs as humanly possible.

She also couldn’t help but notice how they all seemed to have congregated near the windows, like a swarm of flies looking for an escape. She realized she was going to have to take the initiative and hopefully they would feel comfortable enough to follow her lead.

She stepped up to the chair in the center of the half circle and lowered herself onto it while offering the nervous men the most encouraging smile she could muster.

“There. See? That wasn’t so hard. Now you guys try,” she suggested in a voice similar to someone trying hard not to startle a cornered animal. She patted the seat to her right and focused her gaze on the one mostly likely to respond in a positive manner. “Quatre? Why don’t you come sit next to me.”

To her surprise, the usually decisive blond hesitated and lingered at the window, his hands fidgeting with the buttons on his cuffs.

“Oh, come on, Quatre. I’m not going to bite. It’s just therapy.”

Heero turned away from the opposite window where he’d no doubt been plotting a twenty foot jump down to the fire escape should the need arise. He leveled a dark look at Sally and muttered, “We don’t need therapy.”

Duo broke his own uncharacteristically silent moroseness and snorted. “That’s debatable, Yuy.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Hate to break it to ya, pal. But you need therapy. Big time.”

“Excuse me?”

Duo, who’d grown an intimidating seven inches after the end of the war, leaned against the stucco wall behind him and tapped his chin as if he were thinking. “Oh, let’s see. Suicidal, homicidal, anti-social, psychotic, trigger happy…” He ticked each finger off his hand as he went down the list and then dropped it against his side. “Shall I go on?”

“Why stop now?”

“Mean, rude, you have a stick up your ass -”

“Alright, guys. Duo, that’s enough. That’s not going to get us anywhere,” Sally interjected, watching Heero’s dark brows lower dangerously over his eyes.

“You want to talk about needing therapy?” Heero pressed, taking a step towards Duo.

“Guys, come on. We need to stay -”

“You’re impulsive, compulsive, obsessive” Heero continued, ignoring Sally’s attempts to intercede. “You have no filter between your brain and your mouth. Oh, and... _I’m_ psychotic? You’re the one who suffers from delusions of grandeur. Deathbringer? God of Death? _Shinigami?_ Your ego is so big, it barely fits inside this room!”

“Oh, that’s rich, Yuy. Yeah, I’m egotistical. Right. I think you’re getting me confused with Chang over there.”

Wufei jerked upright at the mention of his name and shot the braided man an insulted look. “Hey -”

“Oh, come on, Fei. You got the biggest ego - no wait. I take that back. Actually, the award for Most Swollen Head goes to Merquise.”

Zechs flipped platinum hair over his shoulder and glared at Duo. “How dare you. You have the audacity to -”

“See?” Duo shrieked, pointing an emphatic finger at the regal man. “Who says “audacity”? I mean, seriously.”

The resident aristocrat sniffed, “People who are educated and possess a sophisticated vocabulary, that’s who. Unlike junkyard rats who’ve probably never once picked up a book in their pitiful little lives.”

Sally winced as Duo bristled, indignant feathers ruffled and okay, it wasn’t ideal, but this was progress. Right? At least they were communicating.

“You arrogant son of a bitch,” Duo snarled. “Being educated is not a requisite for being a pompous prick. Hell, look at Cat over there. He’s educated. Probably a fuck ton smarter than you, too, and you don’t see him acting like his shit don’t stink.”

Quatre pulled the thumbnail he’d been nibbling on out of his mouth, obviously not thrilled with being dragged into this. “Duo, I really don’t -”

“Oh, shut up. Who asked you anyway?” Apparently Duo was only willing to bring him into the conversation as a nonverbal prop. His focus was still zeroed in on Zechs who haughtily stood a few meters away with his arms folded over his chest and his nose tipped into the air.

Sally cursed under her breath as Trowa pushed away from the wall, his body language triple dog daring Duo to make one more rude comment towards the blond.

Duo caught onto it almost as quickly as Sally had, his face twisting in irritation. “Oh, for fuck’s sake. Yeah, and right on cue, here comes the noble, gallant knight in shining armor ready to defend the damsel’s honor.” He spun in a half circle, glared, and pointed a finger at the tall man whose bare, muscled arms twitched ominously. “Don’t flex those brawny appendages at me, Mister. You know what your problem is, Tro? You take that quiet brooding goon act a teensy bit too far. Shit, you’re worse than Yuy and that’s sayin’ something.”

And that was enough for Quatre to step in. His visage transformed from the fretting “peacekeeper” to the calculating tactician in the blink of an eye. There was no anger, or outrage. That wasn’t how the blond retaliated. Quatre…well, he got even.

“You want to talk about taking things a little too far, Duo?” Quatre asked him in an oddly hollow sounding voice. Sally briefly wondered if that was how he’d sounded when he was under Zero’s influence and felt a chill run up the length of her spine. “We can do that, but I’m pretty sure you don’t want me to open that can of worms. Especially not in front of a lady.”

Said lady watched as Duo’s face paled and was momentarily concerned he might faint before he seemed to collect himself and turned his ire on a less intimidating adversary. Trowa could and would pummel him if he deserved it, but Quatre knew how to cause harm that cut a thousand times deeper, yet left no visible marks to the naked eye.

“And quit smirking like you got a head’s up on me, Chang,” Duo addressed Wufei instead. However, the other man wasn’t falling for the bait. At least not yet.

“As if it’s ever been any other way,” he sneered.

“As if you don’t have that stupid katana stuffed up that tight ass of yours,” Duo retorted and then blushed to the tops of his ears a moment later when he realized what he’d said.

Wufei lifted his chin. “I always knew you were a flaming homosexual.”

Duo sputtered in outrage and swung his arm around, nearly taking Heero’s head off in the process and pointed at Trowa and Quatre who stood behind him. “The only “flaming homosexuals” in this room are Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Bruticus over there. But of course, you’d take anything I say out of context and turn it into some gay joke because you’re hot for my dick.”

“You’ll say anything to justify your nonexistent heterosexuality, won’t you?” Heero butted in. “What are you so ashamed of? Just admit you want Wufei’s tight ass and be done with it.”

“My ass is not tight!” Wufei shouted and then his own face flushed beet red before he covered it with his hands. “I did not just say that,” he groaned.

“You did, Fei. So who’s been poundin’ your ass?” Duo snickered and glanced at Zechs. “Wait. Don’t tell me. It’s Fabio here, isn’t it? I knew it.” He hunched over with a loud guffaw when Zechs shifted uncomfortably. “Fucking shit. You can’t make this stuff up.”

“Shut the fuck up, Maxwell,” Wufei hissed, hands clenching into fists.

Duo leaned back and slapped his belly. “Sorry, man. I don’t take sloppy seconds.”

“Why you -”

“Alright, guys. Let’s settle down,” Sally cut in, desperate to get the situation under control before Une heard the commotion and docked her pay like the last time she’d sent her on a ridiculous assignment that, predictably, didn’t go well either. “Now, it seems to me that you are all suffering from repressed sexuality and internalized homophobia - well, with the exception of you two,” she informed Trowa and Quatre who stared slack-jawed at her. She glanced around the room and realized they were all wearing the same incredulous expression. “What? It’s true, isn’t it?”

“Oh, Allah,” Quatre moaned and sagged against the wall. “She’s channeling Freud now.”

She propped her hands on her hips and stared at the blond. What was so wrong with that? He was, after all, the Father of Psychology. And sufficed to say, Sally was no psychologist. She was only playing the part because Une had inexplicably summoned her for the job. She really had no idea what she was doing, but waxing Freudian seemed like her best bet. And this animosity did seem to stem from buried sexual impulses.

“I’m just saying, you all seem to be suffering from repressed homosexual urges,” she responded to a groaning, mortified collective.

“Way to be a buzzkill, Sal,” Duo muttered.

“You know there’s nothing wrong with being gay, right?”

“Woman, stop! Stop talking. Please,” Wufei pleaded, looking like he’d rather be thrown into a pit of cobras than deal with another moment of this.

Sally realized she may have just made an important breakthrough. Feeling vindicated, she sat down in one of the chairs and primly set her clip board across her lap. “Neurosis is the inability to tolerate ambiguity. Let’s explore this, shall we? Wufei, we’ll start with you. At what age did you begin to notice your sexual interest in other men?”

Wufei’s mouth snapped shut, his expression one of dumb shock. He shook himself out of it and turned to Heero. “Yuy, I’m begging you. I’ll suck your dick even. Just get us the fuck out of here.”

“Yeah,” Heero didn’t need anymore cajoling. He strode up to the window and wrapped his hands around the steel bars.

“Oh, come on, guys,” Sally pressed. “It’s not so bad. Let’s just talk -”

_Riiiiiiiiiiip!_

She cringed at the sound of screws being pulled out of chalky drywall, creating a loud, grinding sound that made her gums itch. Heero wrenched the bars away from the window frame and tossed them onto the chipped tile floor behind him with a bone-jarring _clank!_

“Dibs!” Duo announced and launched himself at the window, flipping the locks aside and pulling it open.

“The fuck you got dibs,” Wufei snarled and grabbed him by the back of his black t-shirt, prying clinging limbs away from the frame. Duo’s arms and legs flailed in the air and Wufei used the momentary disorientation to squeeze in between his body and the window, climbing out headfirst and kicking at Duo’s grabbing hands with slippered feet when he tried to pull him back in again.

Sally leaned back into her chair and crossed one leg over the other as she watched them, these six former Gundam pilots, the best of the best, trample and fight each other in their frantic attempt to escape with kicking legs, slapping hands, and growls of, “Don’t you fucking dare. _I’m_ next!”

Zechs was the last to scramble out of the tight space, shooting Sally a triumphant look from behind his disheveled hair. “Ha,” he cackled and slid out the window, headfirst like the others and the last Sally saw of any of them was the final glimpse of Zechs’ Gucci boots before they too disappeared from sight.

She listened to the fading shouts and reverberating clangs as they each jumped down to the fire escape and then the last few meters until they hit the ground with meaty thuds, followed by the sound of pounding footsteps echoing off the alley’s brick walls.

She didn’t bother to wipe her smug expression off her face when the door swung open, screeching on rusty hinges. The click of pumps bounced off the walls and then stopped directly behind her.

Une was silent for a moment and then she rested a deceitfully gentle hand on Sally’s shoulder.

“How did it go?”

“I was right. Gayer than a rainbow. Each and every one of them. You owe me five hundred credits, love.”

Une cursed, pulling the promised credits out of her pocket and grumbled as she passed them into Sally’s waiting hand. “This should be a freebie. I can’t believe you summoned Freud. Talk about a low blow.”

“Serves you right for thinking you could win a bet with me.”

Une sighed and waited for Sally to set the blank clipboard aside and grab her Preventers’ jacket. “Buy me a drink.”

“Jesus, you’re cheap.”

“Says the woman who just took all my credits.”

Sally chuckled. “Okay, I’ll buy you a drink. But only if you make it worth my while.”

“I’m not that easy, Po.”

She smirked. “You’re always easy for me. Admit it.”

 

_End._

**Author's Note:**

> “Neurosis is the inability to tolerate ambiguity.” ~Dr. Sigmund Freud.


End file.
